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Jesse Ventura's Conspiracy Theory: Gulf Oil Spill

This episode features an exhausting and complicated series of interlocking conspiracies, any one of which would be pretty astonishing. Taken together, they fall apart into a mess that's just barely this side of gibberish.

* A doctor claims that the oil spill was designed to depopulate the Gulf Coast, so that it could be taken over by "corporate interests." Like Disneyland, but for evil, faceless, multinational corporations.

* A woman believes that the disaster was planned by BP months ahead of time, in order to kick the profits for the cleanup to Halliburton. Essentially, because they can make more on clean-up than they can by pumping and producing oil.

* A conspiracy to conceal the true volume of oil being spilled. (Actually, this one is almost certainly true.)

* BP insisted on using a toxic dispersant called Corexit. Corexit itself is bad for both humans and wildlife. And it doesn't make the oil go away; it just hides it from view. Spraying Corexit on an oil slick basically causes it to break up and sink to the bottom of the ocean, where it's harder to photograph for the evening news, and virtually impossible to measure in scope. (This is true, as well.)

* BP continued to use Corexit even after the EPA told them to stop. (True.) BP owns the company that makes Corexit, and therefore profits off its use. (Also true.) Because they deliberately wanted to poison the population while simultaneously making a fortune off the use of Corexit. (Um…)

* Corexit has gone airborne "almost like a weapon of mass destruction" and has caused significant health problems for Gulf Coast residents.

* Both the spill and the use of Corexit are part of a planned depopulation (in conjunction with Hurricane Katrina), in order to convert the entire Gulf to one big private oil refinery, "without having to worry about regulations or environmentalists."

* A quick detour into Katrina conspiracies, which a man named Alfred Webre claims was the first phase of the plan. A lot of people claim that the government blew up the levees in order to deliberately flood New Orleans.

* Both Barack Obama and George W. Bush were Mancurian candidates, hand-picked by the CIA, ostensibly on different sides, but who kept the exact same policies in place.

* The oil spill was deliberately designed to stop the Gulf Stream and the North Atlantic current, and bring about climate change. By "breaking the loop" of the current which brings warm water to the North Atlantic it will create a mini ice age - thus driving up the cost of fuel and heating oil.

* The ultimate intent is to starve us to death. (???)

A lot of the "evidence" for a depopulation plan is what some people might call an evacuation or relocation plan. It's true that if something bad happened, the US Army Corps of Engineers has plans in place to move everyone out of the way. I guess that one person's "emergency relocation in case of natural disaster" is another person's "conspiracy-driven depopulation." Potayto, potahto.

Photo credit: Flickr/AB83